I figured it was time for me to come out and try to feel like a productive member of society today. This is about as far as I'm willing to go (my fave beer bar that is a ten minute walk from my apartment). When it's not busy is the best time.
Eight months ago I felt it was time to start taking medication for my anxiety and depression. I started on a low dose of Prozac and increased it a few weeks later. On the higher dose, I was more relaxed, easier going, my irritability was almost at 0, and my friends described me as "lighter". It was nice. The thing I liked most about that dose of Prozac was that it allowed me "space" to think before reacting to things. I'm an introvert by nature and I do tend to take time to think about things but when anxiety strikes there is no thought process. It's a fight or flight reaction that is turned on and for me that means no thought process, only react. Prozac gave me, not minutes, but maybe milliseconds, to not calculate a response but more be considerate of it.
But what it also did was numb a huge part of my personality. Motivation and creativity was low, sex drive was gone (I mean it's important to some people), and I just felt like a part of me was turned off. Even dancing and DJing was difficult, I couldn't feel the music like before.
In July I decided that I would see if other medications may be better. I reduced the Prozac and my anxiety increased. I added Wellbutrin and it increased the anxiety even more. Mental Health Medications are tricky...you have to go through a trial and error sort of thing. While it's exhausting and confusing for the person going through it, I additionally had a new person in my life that I was attempting a relationship with concurrently. That puts a bit of responsibility on the person trying to balance out medication. I tried to balance all life stresses and also how my behavior affects another person who may not be ready or know how to be in that type of a relationship. I mean, I don't either and it's not an easy thing and I don't judge anyone who chooses to not be as involved with what something like this entails. It's not an easy ask..
The past three weeks I've been transitioning from Prozac to Effexor and this week I started exclusively on Effexor. It hasn't been easy. Medication is no joke. It affects your brain chemicals! I'm grieving the loss of that relationship and I'm still trying to find the balance but it caught up with me this week. I'm exhausted. I am exhausted and I've strayed too far away from my dedication to myself. My running has been minimal and some of that is tied to anxiety creeping up on my runs, the same with weights, meditation...? Non existent..
Pills aren't magic and I decided that after today I need to double down. No matter how much more effort it takes I need to put it forward. I apologize to my friends for isolating myself lately. But it's something I needed to do to think and get things right for myself. You'll see me around again soon.
Races? I signed up for Brazos Bend 50 miler. Not sure if I may drop because I haven't been training..but whatever I choose I will be sure to document the events.
I'm still here. Thanks for also being here.